Hello. It is past midnight at the time of typing this, but I'm still putting 11/20 because the entry is about what happened on 11/20. It was a very exhausted and unproductive day. I struggled to get out of bed, despite going to bed early last night and sleeping a lot. I wanted to start journaling right away to log some feelings I was having after getting up, but put the arbitrary rule on myself that I had to wait until the End of the day to log any events. And now I'm struggling to remember what I wanted to say. It's making me very upset that I can barely remember events from within the current day. Hopefully, these daily logs will somehow improve my memory.
I started my day by using my elliptical for 10 minutes, as usual. I threw myself at css for most of the day to no success whatsoever. I looked at multiple guides. Even copy/paste'ing their code, but nothing would change. I played a little Disco Elysium, but it's been feeling like such a slog.
That's pretty much it. Oh, I just remembered that I wanted to talk about how I've been very romantically lonely. It would be nice to have a local partner I could stay the night with now and then. I'm honestly terrified of having another relationship, though. I don't want to go through stuff from some of my previous ones again. Plus, I don't know even know if I'm currently functional enough to let someone that close to me right now. My paranoia is ruining my life and I'm so dissociated most of the time. I never feel entirely lucid. It all feels like a dream. Drifting through fog. I feel so detached. That would likely mess with my ability to be a good joyfirend to someone. I don't know if there's anything else to say and I don't care. I'm so tired.
later ♥