Hello, again. Woke up not too long ago. Been panicking since. I got up, used the restroom and brushed my hair, got an energy drink, used my elliptical for 10 minutes, did my makeup, and took my meds. Wanted to work on my page a bit before I have to leave for the day.
I'm quite tired of these nightmares. Been having them every time I fall asleep for the last 11 years. Sometimes, I'll think I'm used to them. But then, something new happens. Sometimes, they're bad enough to traumatize me. There's entire habits and routines I've formed simply because of things that happened in nightmares. I have a lot of plushies on my bed. As much as I love them, when going to bed, I cannot have any of them looking at me. If I notice one facing me, I have to turn it over. I severely struggle to fall asleep in a room alone. I have a roommate currently. So it doesn't come up much, but on the nights they aren't here, I struggle to feel safe enough to even close my eyes. I've pulled multiple all-nighters, due to paranoia. It feels like there's monsters and demons in my home. They could appear at the blink of an eye. And telling myself these fears and beliefs are irrational and completely detached from reality doesn't do anything. Best I can do in these moments is find something distracting enough to take my mind off it. I'm hopefully getting back into therapy in the new year. I'm also in the process of being prescribed a new antipsychotic. I'm hoping the combination of the two will help me control these fears.
That's all I have at this time. i might update this entry after i get home tonight.
I got home about an hour ago. Did dishes and had dinner. Feel like ass. Exhausted, depressed, frustrated, and anxious. Food was good, though. I wanna get high, but I kinda need to take a break. Plus, I likely won't be able to get any html done if I'm high. This shit's my fucking tether right now. I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired. Think I'm gonna go shower to warm up a bit and then play some Disco Elysium? If I have the energy, I'll do some html shit. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
later ♥