this is the first entry of my blog. i feel...malcontent. extremely so. i feel hollow and lifeless. i feel alone. i feel tired. i feel trapped. i feel afraid. and i feel confused. I don't remember most of the year, thanks to some Really Cool Events. Though, it's possible I would have dissociated the year away, regardless.
I desperately want to start performing live. I'm trying to be an opener for my friend's band, but I have no idea when that opportunity will arrive. As they(his band) don't have any shows coming up. I gotta find a way to start performing. I've got an album that's almost finished, and another in the works, but my creativity has slowed to a crawl. It really sucks, 'cause with how my head works, once I have something I want to do, I want it done as fast as possible. "These ideas need to go from inside my head to the real world immediately". It's not fair to myself, obviously. It's something to work on. (like the 2 billion other things wrong with me)
i have no idea who i am again. which is awesome. happens like, once a month, it feels like. kinda already accepted this is just how it will be for the foreseeable future. "panic over who i am, find something I see myself in, cling to it with my life, lose interest, rinse and repeat". Doesn't make it any less frustrating when it happens. my head feels like it's spinning. Fun. Am I plural? Fuck if I know. Sometimes I say I am and sometimes i say i'm not. whatever the mood is at the time. i've told myself i'll just go with the flow of it to avoid pressure and whatever the fuck went wrong 2 years ago, but i really wish i just knew, man.
been playing disco elysium for the first time. cool shit. giving me some brain worms. some of my thoughts are in the voice of harry's inner dialogue recently. I have some favorite characters, but I went into this completely blind and I think I've benefitted from it. Which is to say, I'm not going to say them because I would recommend the same to anyone reading who's curious about the game.
Anyway, onto what I actually fucking did today. I woke up, feeling like shit, grabbed an energy drink, and got on my tiny elliptical machine for about 10 minutes. After that, I had some cereal and turned on my computer. I think I started up Disco elysium. It's foggy, but it was probably disco elysium. eventually, i went and got some groceries. played some valorant with friends, but then my energy and mood started crashing. had dinner, showered, sat at my desk and rotted for a bit while trying to figure out what to do with myself. i'm burnt out on music at the moment and i wanted a break from disco elysium and thought, "what if i actually worked on some html, instead of just thinking about it all the time?". and now i've begun revamping this website and started a blog while listening to asmr. I feel like I've accomplished something today. Might go to bed soon? I don't know.
later ♥